Latest Gambling Jokes


Dog At The Table

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!”

The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
Lottery Guy

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays…

“God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays…

“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

“Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”
Tip The Dealer
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?” The dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?” “Yes.” “Well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”

“OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for…I’ll take an eight.”
Sit On The Bench

Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.

Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.

After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. “Hey, Jones,” said Smith, “how’d you do?” “Well, Smith”, said Jones, “you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.” “Oh yeah,” said Smith, “did I find a good machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you-you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”
Gas Station Sex

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. “If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.

“How do we enter?” asked the Kentuckian. “Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex.” “O.K. I guess 7,” said the Kentuckian. “Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. “Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. ” “Two,” said the Kentuckian. “Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.” As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.” “No way,” said the other. “My wife won twice last week.”
Moving To Vegas
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
Airline Bet

A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed his eyes.

The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained “I ask you a question – if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay five bucks to you.” Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated, said, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you fifty bucks!” This caught the engineer’s attention, and – seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game – agreed to play. The programmer asked the first question: “What’s the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer’s turn. He asked the programmer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?” The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money politely and closed his eyes again.

The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer’s shoulder and demanded, “So, what’s the answer?”. The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.
The Gambler

Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said “Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?” So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was “Oh, I have money put away for that.”
Religious Poker
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
Teacher’s Bet

Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. “Tommy,” said his teacher. “I’ve just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.” Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, “You lose.”
Mind Bet

The best bet for a player to make is what is called a “Mind Bet” You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
The Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!” “Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.” “I understand,” replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours.” Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim? ” she asks. “That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Ours is prettier,” says the wife
Choking On A Quarter
One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
The Wheel Never Lies

A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, “I have no idea what number to play.” A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman’s face and she faints
High Stakes
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $50 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”
Doctor In The House

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

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A Collection of classic gambling jokes

The Millionaire

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced,

“My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!

There was one guy in the pool swimming with all of his might as the crowd cheered him on.

Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain… which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”

The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter!

I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
Welcome To Hell
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil… Satan: “Why so glum?” Guy: “Why do you think? I’m in hell!” Satan: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?” Guy: “Sure, I love to drink.”

Satan: “Well you’re going to love Mondays then. On Mondays that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca. And we don’t worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.” Guy: “Gee, that sounds great!” Satan: “You a smoker?” Guy: “You better believe it!” Satan: “All right! You’re going to love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer – no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?”

Guy: “Wow, that’s awesome!” Satan: “I bet you like to gamble.” Guy: “Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.” Satan: “‘Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt… you’re dead anyhow.” Guy: “WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!” Satan: “You gay?” Guy: “Hell, no!” Satan: “Hm, you gonna hate Fridays then.”
Winning The Lottery

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won the state lottery!”

Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?”

The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
Lady Luck

Two bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. The dealers agree.

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m half naked.” With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, “Momma needs a new pair of pants!” She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers.

“YES! I WIN! I WIN!” With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, “What did she roll anyway?” The other answers, “I don’t know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!”
A Blonde In Vegas

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.

A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said “Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?”

She said, “Duh! I’m winning here!”
Poker Dog

Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.


“The brightest dog I ever had,” said one, “was a Great Dane that could play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but I had him put to sleep.”

“You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars.”

“Had to,” he replied, “Caught him using marked cards!”
A Little Old Lady

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”

“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“Ok, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

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5 Funniest Gambling Jokes

Casinos are funny places full of odd stories, insane bets and half-baked schemes for hitting it big. Some of those stories, bets and schemes are later told as jokes and anecdotes.

We scoured the web for the craziest casino antics and most hilarious gambling tales. Below are our Top 5 Picks for Funniest Casino Jokes. Enjoy.



Best Casino Jokes #1: Blondes Do Have More Fun

A blonde and her friends go to Vegas for a “girls weekend.” Upon arrival, the blonde heads immediately to the casino lobby’s candy machine. She stands in front of it, puts two coins in, and turns the knob, after which, a candy bar falls out.
The blonde picks up the candy bar, puts it in her pocket, then slips two more coins into the slot and turns the knob. Again (of course) a candy bar falls out and, again, she puts it in her pocket.
She slips another two coins in the machine, turns the knob and retrieves her candy bar.
A man standing nearby studies her. Confused, he asks, “I’m sorry, Miss, but I have to ask…What are you doing?”
The blonde turns to him, annoyed and says, “Uh…hello? What does it look like I’m doing? I’m winning.”



Best Casino Jokes #2: Pray for Pay

Question: What’s the difference between praying at church and praying at the poker tables?
Answer: At the poker tables, you really mean it.



Best Casino Jokes #3: Breaking Bad Made Easy

Question: How do you get a sweet little old lady to curse?
Answer: Get another sweet little old lady to shout “Bingo!”



Best Casino Jokes #4: No Confidence Vote

A man comes home from work and finds that his wife is packing her bags.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“To Las Vegas!” she says. “There are men there that will pay me $100 to do what I do for you for free!”
Calm, the man scratches his chin for a moment, then begins packing his bags.
“What are you doing?” his wife asks.
“I’m going with you,” he replies. “I want to see how you’re going to live on $200 a year!”



Best Casino Jokes #5: You Get What You Pay For

After vacationing on a discount cruise ship, a man tells his friend about his disappointment at the ship’s casino.
“They don’t even have Keno,” he says. “Instead, a girl just comes to your table and says, ‘I’m thinking of a number between one and ten….”



Honorable Mention: To Tip or Not to Tip…That Is the Question

A blackjack dealer at an upscale casino is discussing the etiquette of tipping and if it is necessary to tip a dealer with a player.
The player says: “The dealer is not responsible when I receive bad cards, just as he’s not responsible when I receive good cards. If both my good are bad fortune are the result of pure luck, why should I be obliged to tip the dealer?”
The dealer replies: “Do you tip the waiter when you dine out?”
“Of course,” the player says.
“Thus, according to your answer, I am right, and players should tip,” says the dealer.

The player, confused, asks why.
“A waiter serves you dinner,” the dealer begins, “but he doesn’t make it. The quality, then, is not relevant to whether he is tipped or not. I deal cards in the same way. As you said, your good or bad fortune is not mine to make. Therefore, you should tip me.”

“You have a point,” the player concedes, “but are missing one crucial detail. A waiter gives me what I order. Therefore, I’ll take a Queen, please.”


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Funny Gambling Quotes …

“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.”

— Unknown

“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.”

— Steve Allen

“The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.”

— Heywood Hale Broun

“Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich—something for nothing. ”

— George Bernard Shaw

“Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.”

— Gloria Steinem

“In Louisiana, we don’t bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not.”

— Mark Duffy

“Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.”

— Samantha Bee

“I don’t gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn’t give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off.”

— Alex Trebek

“Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face.”

— VP Pappy

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

— Unknown

“No wife can endure a gambling husband—unless he is a steady winner.”

— Thomas Robert Dewar

“A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated.”

— Leo Tolstoy

“If you ain’t just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven’t studied the games enough.”

— VP Pappy

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Gambling Jokes 10

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.” Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert? A: Dice pudding. Q: How’s a casino like a good woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back! Q: What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? A: In a casino, you really mean it! Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving. Q: When is the only time you split tens in BlackJack? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat. Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A CardShark Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them! Q: What does a BlackJack player eat for dinner? A: Whatever his comp card allows him to. Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicans? A: Politicans tell the truth. Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you. Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining. Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? A: Someone told her to bring her own chips. Q: What card game do lesbians play? A: Poke-her Q: What do vampires play poker for? A: High Stakes! Q: What’s the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? A: Telling your parents your gay! Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? A: Pay him for the Pizza. One Liners Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back. If it weren’t for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch. Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling… I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more. Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards. My cat quit playing poker with the big cats at the zoo….seems he discovered there were just too many cheetahs. If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you.

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/gamblingjokes.html

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Funny Gambling Quotes …

“Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.”

— Unknown

“I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That’s how I lost my mind.”

— Steve Allen

“The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.”

— Ambrose Bierce

“The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable that I assume it must be evil.”

— Heywood Hale Broun

“Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich—something for nothing. ”

— George Bernard Shaw

“Someone once asked me why women don’t gamble as much as men do and I gave the commonsensical reply that we don’t have as much money. That was a true but incomplete answer. In fact, women’s total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage.”

— Gloria Steinem

“In Louisiana, we don’t bet on football games, we bet on whether a politician is going to be indicted or not.”

— Mark Duffy

“Last year people won more than one billion dollars playing poker. And casinos made twenty-seven billion just by being around those people.”

— Samantha Bee

“I don’t gamble, because winning a hundred dollars doesn’t give me great pleasure. But losing a hundred dollars pisses me off.”

— Alex Trebek

“Casinos and prostitutes have the same thing in common; they are both trying to screw you out of your money and send you home with a smile on you face.”

— VP Pappy

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”

— Unknown

“No wife can endure a gambling husband—unless he is a steady winner.”

— Thomas Robert Dewar

“A Gentleman is a man who will pay his gambling debts even when he knows he has been cheated.”

— Leo Tolstoy

“If you ain’t just a little scared when you enter a casino, you are either very rich or you haven’t studied the games enough.”

— VP Pappy

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X Gambling Jokes

Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.” Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert? A: Dice pudding. Q: How’s a casino like a good woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back! Q: What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? A: In a casino, you really mean it! Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving. Q: When is the only time you split tens in BlackJack? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat. Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A CardShark Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them! Q: What does a BlackJack player eat for dinner? A: Whatever his comp card allows him to. Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicans? A: Politicans tell the truth. Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you. Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining. Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? A: Someone told her to bring her own chips. Q: What card game do lesbians play? A: Poke-her Q: What do vampires play poker for? A: High Stakes! Q: What’s the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? A: Telling your parents your gay! Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? A: Pay him for the Pizza. One Liners Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back. If it weren’t for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch. Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling… I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more. Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards. My cat quit playing poker with the big cats at the zoo….seems he discovered there were just too many cheetahs. If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you. Gambling Quotes Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd If you’re playing a poker game and look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you Paul Newman. When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience. ME Trust everyone, but always cut the cards. Benny Binion Vegas Wives Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!” The second guy says “I know what you mean…my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!” The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters.” Slots A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Martha, pack up your things. I just won a million dollar slot machine jackpot!” Martha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!” Poker Game There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?” Asian Casino “My husband’s going to a casino in central Asia. “Tibet?” “Of course, why else would he go!” Dog Poker A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing. However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!” The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.” Vegas Trick A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”

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