Dog At The Table
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.
However none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!”
The player smiled and said, “He isn’t that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.”
Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays…
“God, please let me win the lottery! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays…
“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order.”
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:
“Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”
Tip The Dealer
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?” The dealer said, “When you eat out do you tip the waiter?” “Yes.” “Well then, he serves you food, I’m serving you cards so you should tip me.”
“OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for…I’ll take an eight.”
Sit On The Bench
Two friends, Smith and Jones, went together to play the slot machines at the casino. Each agreed that when his allotted money was gone, he would go to the front of the casino and sit on the bench to wait for his friend.
Jones quickly lost all of his money and went to sit on the bench. He waited and waited and waited and waited.
After what seemed an eternity, he saw Smith coming toward him carrying a huge sack of coins. “Hey, Jones,” said Smith, “how’d you do?” “Well, Smith”, said Jones, “you see me here on this bench- what do you think? It looks like you hit it big, though.” “Oh yeah,” said Smith, “did I find a good machine! It’s way in the back. I’ll show it to you-you can’t lose! EVERY TIME YOU PUT IN A DOLLAR FOUR QUARTERS COME OUT!!!”
Gas Station Sex
Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. “If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.
“How do we enter?” asked the Kentuckian. “Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex.” “O.K. I guess 7,” said the Kentuckian. “Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant. The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. “Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. ” “Two,” said the Kentuckian. “Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant. “Come back soon and try again.” As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.” “No way,” said the other. “My wife won twice last week.”
Moving To Vegas
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
A computer programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on a transcontinental flight. The programmer leaned over to the engineer and asked whether he would like to play a game. The engineer only wanted to take a nap, so he politely declined, rolled over toward the window and closed his eyes.
The programmer persisted and stated that the game was both very easy and a lot of fun. He explained “I ask you a question – if you don’t know the answer, you pay me five bucks. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay five bucks to you.” Again, the Engineer politely declined and closed his eyes. The programmer, somewhat agitated, said, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me five bucks, but if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you fifty bucks!” This caught the engineer’s attention, and – seeing no end to his torment unless he played the game – agreed to play. The programmer asked the first question: “What’s the distance between the Earth and the Moon?” The engineer wordlessly reached into his wallet, pulled out a five dollar bill and handed it to the programmer. Now it was the engineer’s turn. He asked the programmer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?” The programmer looked puzzled, then took out his laptop computer and searched through all his reference material. He tapped into the AirPhonex with his modem and searched through the Internet and the Library of Congress, all to no avail. Then he sent urgent E-mail inquiries to all of his brightest colleagues, but could find no help anywhere. After an hour or so he woke the engineer and forked over $50. The engineer accepted the money politely and closed his eyes again.
The programmer, more than slightly frustrated, shook the engineer’s shoulder and demanded, “So, what’s the answer?”. The engineer just smiled, reached again into his wallet, handed the programmer a five dollar bill, and went right back to sleep.
Buckshot was a compulsive gambler, and would bet on anything and everything; horses, dogs, football, baseball, basketball, snooker and even soccer games. When Buckshot was down to his last dollar, he went to his best friend and said “Roy, I need $1000, we have no food, I owe rent, the kids need jeans for school, and the wife won’t leave the house because we have bad checks at all the stores. Can you help me out?” So his best buddy gave him $2000 to get him ahead, but on one condition, that he does not use the money for gambling. Buckshot’s reply was “Oh, I have money put away for that.”
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest are playing poker when the police raid the game. Addressing the priest, the lead officer asks: “Father Murphy, were you gambling?” Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispers, “Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do.” To the police officer, he then says, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” The officer then asks the minister: “Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?” Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replies, “No, officer, I was not gambling.” Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: “Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?” Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: “With whom?”
Little Tommy was the quietest boy in school. He never answered any questions but his homework was always quite excellent. If any one said anything to him he would simply nod, or shake his head. The staff thought he was shy and decided to do something to give him confidence. “Tommy,” said his teacher. “I’ve just bet Miss Smith $5 I can get you to say three words. You can have half.” Tommy looked at her pityingly and said, “You lose.”
The best bet for a player to make is what is called a “Mind Bet” You stand behind the game watch the action and attempt to predict the winner. You never bet any real money you only bet in your mind. Last week a friend of mine lost his mind three times.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very Fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she’ll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that??!!” “Oh,” replies the husband, “that was my mistress.” The wife says, “That’s it; I want a divorce.” “I understand,” replies her husband, “But, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infinity or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club, but the decision is yours.” Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. “Who’s that woman with Jim? ” she asks. “That’s his mistress,” replies her husband. “Ours is prettier,” says the wife
Choking On A Quarter
One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly called out, “My son’s choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!” A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy’s gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened. “Thank you! Thank you!” the father cried. “Are you a paramedic?” “No,” replied the man. “I work for the IRS.”
The Wheel Never Lies
A woman was in a casino for the first time. The spinning ball of the roulette wheel has always caught her attention. She decides to play at the roulette table and she says, “I have no idea what number to play.” A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 29. The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile drifts from the woman’s face and she faints
A man walks into a butcher’s shop and inquires of the butcher: “Are you a gambling man?” The butcher says “Yes”, so the man said: “I bet you $50 that you can’t reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there.” The butcher says “I’m not betting on that.” “But I thought you were a gambling man” the man retorts. “Yes I am” says the butcher “but the steaks are too high.”
Doctor In The House
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend. “I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor. As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”