A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” demands the surprised husband. “To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 for a blowjob and I do it for you for free!” The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. “What do you think you are doing?” she screamed. “I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
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A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”
The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?” and the little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.
This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.
Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.
She says, “Gambling.”
“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?”
“Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”
The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”
The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”
“Ok, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.
“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.
Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.
When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.
“Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.
“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”
“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.
“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”
The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.
“Ok, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.
“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.
“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”
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Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion.
The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.
One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced,
“My dear guests…I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!”
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all of his might as the crowd cheered him on.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain… which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?”
The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money! And I don’t want your daughter!
I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!
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ON MAKING IT IN VEGAS – Gambling Jokes
After a day’s work, a man returns home to find his wife packing a suitcase.
“Where are you going?” he asks.
“To Las Vegas!” she says. “My friend told me there are men in Vegas that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!”
The man considers what she’s said, and then begins packing HIS bags.
“What do you think you’re doing?” she says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas with you… I want to see how you’re going to live on $1000 a year!”
ON BEING RESPONSIBLE – Gambling Jokes
A doctor receives a phone call from his colleague while having dinner with his wife.
“We need a fourth for poker,” says the colleague.
“I’ll be right over,” responds the doctor.
He tells his wife that he’s sorry but he must leave for an urgent matter.
As he is putting on his coat, his wife asks, “It’s serious, then?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” says the doctor gravely. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”
ON THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FUN MODE & REAL CASH GAMES – Gambling Jokes
Bill Gates arrives at the entrance to the afterlife. On his left is the gate to heaven. On his right, the gate to hell.
Petrus says to him: “We have a problem, Bill. We don’t know what to do with you. Thus, you may choose for yourself between heaven and hell.”
Bill peeks into heaven and sees a couple of old men seated around a table. Bill peeks into hell and hears loud rock and roll music and sees a bar, several beautiful women, people having sex, and most important, people gambling.
“I want to go to hell!” shouts Bill, whereupon he is immediately thrown into the fire.
“Hey!” he screams. “What the hell is this? You promised me gambling, women and sex!”
The devil says: “That was just a demo version.”
ON HOW TO AVOID GETTING IN TROUBLE WITH THE MISSUS – Gambling Jokes
Two men are preparing to leaving a casino at 3:00am.
The first man says to the second: “You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight about my being out late.”
the second man says: “I used to do the same thing. But now, what I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam that door, too. Then I yell “Honey, I’m home!” and I run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, “How about a little love, woman?” She never even moves.
ON THE IMPORTANCE OF THE PRE-NUP – Gambling Jokes
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, “Bertha, pack up your things. I just won the lottery!” Bertha replies, “Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?” The man responds, “I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!”
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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation. The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!” The second guy says “I know what you mean…my old lady played black jack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!” The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an a$$ full of quarters.”
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Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A: “I can’t deal with you anymore.” Q: What do craps dealers eat for dessert? A: Dice pudding. Q: How’s a casino like a good woman? A: Liquor in the front, poker in the back! Q: What’s the difference between prayer in church and prayer in a casino? A: In a casino, you really mean it! Q: How can you tell if a poker player is bluffing? A: His chips are moving. Q: When is the only time you split tens in BlackJack? A: When the table is full and your buddies need a seat. Q: What kind of shark is always gambling? A: A CardShark Q: Why isn’t gambling allowed in Africa? A: Because of all the cheetahs Q: How were Adam and Eve prevented from gambling? A: Their paradise (pair-o-dice) was taken away from them! Q: What does a BlackJack player eat for dinner? A: Whatever his comp card allows him to. Q: Whats the difference between poker players and politicans? A: Politicans tell the truth. Q: Whats the difference between online poker and live poker? A: You can cry after a bad beat online and no one will laugh at you. Q: What’s the difference between a poker player and a dog? A: In about ten years, the dog quits whining. Q: What did a blonde from England bring a bag of french fries to a poker game? A: Someone told her to bring her own chips. Q: What card game do lesbians play? A: Poke-her Q: What do vampires play poker for? A: High Stakes! Q: What’s the hardest thing about play mini baccarat? A: Telling your parents your gay! Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch? A: Pay him for the Pizza. One Liners Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back. If it weren’t for the drug use, degenerate gambling, and drinking I would be a great catch. Chuck-E-Cheese, because it’s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling… I can support my gambling habit without a job, but I want one so I can support it even more. Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards. My cat quit playing poker with the big cats at the zoo….seems he discovered there were just too many cheetahs. If you’re playing a poker game and you look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you. Gambling Quotes Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. Steven Wright Poker is like sex – everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. Dutch Boyd If you’re playing a poker game and look around the table and can’t tell who the sucker is, it’s you Paul Newman. When a man with money meets a man with experience, the man with experience leaves with money and the man with money leaves with experience. ME Trust everyone, but always cut the cards. Benny Binion
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It’s not everyday we regurgitate a few old (and new!) chemistry jokes. How often do we tell them? Periodically. We told one the other day, but there was no reaction. Hahaha! Wait? How come nobody else is laughing? Ehem… well, anyways, here are a few more:
When I first heard oxygen and magnesium got together I was all like, OMg!
I think I just lost an electron! Are you sure? I’m positive!
Know any jokes about Sodium bromoxide? “NaBrO”
A photon checks into a hotel. The bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “Nah, I’m traveling light.”
Does your girlfriend have 67 protons, cuz she is such a Ho! (not proud of this one)
Noble gasses are so rude. No matter how much you talk to them you can never get a reaction from them.
The name is bond, ionic bond. Taken, not shared.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Cause you’re CuTe! (great pickup line!)
Do you have 16 protons? ‘Cause you’re sodium fine (yep, you’ll get her number for sure!)
What did the oxidizing agent say to the complex anion? “Don’t be so negative!”
I thought you would like a joke about sodium, but NA.
Have you heard about the 5th element? I would tell you but its pretty boron.
If Silver Surfer and Iron Man teamed up, they would be alloys! (eh, this one sucks)
If I was an enzyme, I would be a DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes (jeans)
You really can’t trust atoms. They make up everything!
A neutron walks into a bar. He asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender says, “For you, no charge!”
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water? A one molar solution!
What do you get when you cut an Avocado into 6.022 x 10^23 pieces? GuacaMOLE
And, finally: these chemistry jokes are really boron! We should just round them all up and and barium! Do you have any good ones? Post ‘em in the comments!
Original article: Top 20 Chemistry Jokes of Some Time©2014 Funny and Jokes. All Rights Reserved.
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