Continue reading »]]> Dwarf Priest was wandering the beach when, upon looking out over the ocean, he saw a
gnome splashing and appearently almost drowning. He started to rush out to help, but then
noticed two humans on the beach had already gotten a rope out to the gnome and were pulling
him in.
“I’d just like to commend you two” the Priest said. “It’s all too rare these days to see people
helping each other out in a time of need. Bless the both of you!”
as the Priest was walking away, one of the humans turned to the other.
“Guess he’s never been shark fishing”

____________

A human and an elf were sitting in a bar, talking about sex. The Elf was bragging about how
good Elves were at it.
“In Teldrassil, I have learned 99 different ways to please my partner. We practice day and night,
and I’m pretty well convinced we’ve tried everything that’s possible.”
“Wow” said the human, impressed. “I’ve only ever done the one thing. I take my woman and …”
“Oh my!!” interrupted the elf. “I think you’ve found number 100!!”

______________

A. Why didn’t the undead cross the road with the chicken?
–>…he didn’t have the guts. Harrrrrr!
B. An orc, a barbarian and a blood thirsty savage entered a bar…. and that’s just the first
person!
C. What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
–>A pimple at least waits until you’re level 4 before coming on your face
D. What do you call a Tauren with no legs at all?
–>Ground beef

_______________

A. What’s the difference between a truck load of pingpong balls and a truck load of dwarves?
You can’t unload pingpong balls with a pitchfork
B. What did the undead guy say to the hooker? “keep the tip”
C. Why do orcs make the best gardeners? because they all have green thumbs!
D. what do you call 10 gnomes buried up to their necks in sand? not enough sand
E. what can a two-ton Tauren use for a chair? anything he wants!!
F. How many gnomes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Come on, they wouldn’t fit, they’re
not THAT small. They’ll screw just about anywhere else though.
G. what’s blue and flies around the room?
a gnome with a punctured lung
H. whats pink, red and silver and runs into walls?
a gnome with forks stuck in its eyes
I. whats green and yellow and sits in a corner?
the same gnome three weeks later
J. how do you make a dead gnome float?
take your foot off its head
K. What are a bunch of undead jumping from thunderbluff cliffs up to ?
playing tetris

_____________

A troll and an Undead are both eating a clown. The Troll turns to the undead and asks, “does
this taste funny to you?”
First One: A Dwarf walks out a bar.
Second one:-How many pints does it take to get a Dwarf drunk?-Just find one who is sober and
we’ll start counting!
Third one: A human, a night elf and a dwarf are out adventuring in Stranglethorn when they are
captured by a tribe of trolls. The chieftain tells them, “We’re gonna boil ya alive, skin ya and
make a canoo out of yo skin! Ya can have one last wish each!
First, the human asks for a knife. He gets it, and screaming “For the Alliance!” he cuts his own
throat so he will not be boiled alive.
Then, the night elf asks for a knife. She gets it, and screaming “For Kalimdor!” she also cuts
her own throat so she will not be boiled alive.
Finally, the dwarf asks for a fork. The trolls find this rather strange, but agree to his lasts wish.
When he gets it, he screams “Screw your canoo!” and stabs himself all over with it.

Continue reading »]]> A blond guy and his two friends are talking at a bar.
His first friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.”
His second friend says: “I think my wife is having an affair with the Plummer the other day I
found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”
The blond guy says: “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.” Both his friends look at him
with utter amazement. “No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.”
What’s the difference between a nymphomaniac, a hooker, and a wife?
The nymphomaniac says, “You’re done already?”
The hooker says, “Are you done yet?”
And the wife says “Beige, I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”
Q: What do you call a virgin blonde?
A: A myth
I bought my Mother a wooden leg for Christmas.
It is not her main present. Just stocking filler.

Continue reading »]]> Abibliophobia The fear of running out of reading material.
Absquatulate To leave or abscond with something.
Allegator Some who alleges.
Anencephalous Lacking a brain.
Argle-bargle A loud row or quarrel.
Batrachomyomachy Making a mountain out of a molehill.
Billingsgate Loud, raucous profanity.
Bloviate To speak pompously or brag.
Blunderbuss A gun with a flared muzzle or disorganized activity.
Borborygm A rumbling of the stomach.
Boustrophedon A back and forth pattern.
Bowyang A strap that holds the pants legs in place.
Brouhaha An uproar.
Bumbershoot An umbrella.
Callipygian Having an attractive rear end or nice buns.
Canoodle To hug and kiss.
Cantankerous Testy, grumpy.
Catercornered Diagonal(ly).
Cockalorum A small, haughty man.
Cockamamie Absurd, outlandish.
Codswallop Nonsense, balderdash.
Collop A slice of meat or fold of flab.
Collywobbles Butterflies in the stomach.
Comeuppance Just reward, just deserts.
Crapulence Discomfort from eating or drinking too much.
Crudivore An eater of raw food.
Discombobulate To confuse.
Donnybrook An melee, a riot.
Doozy Something really great.
Dudgeon A bad mood, a huff.
Ecdysiast An exotic dancer, a stripper.
Eructation A burp, belch.
Fard Face-paint, makeup.
Fartlek An athletic training regime.
Fatuous Unconsciously foolish.
Filibuster Refusal to give up the floor in a debate to prevent a vote.
Firkin A quarter barrel or small cask.
Flibbertigibbet Nonsense, balderdash.
Flummox To exasperate.
Folderol Nonsense.
Formication The sense of ants crawling on your skin.
Fuddy-duddy An old-fashioned, mild-mannered person.
Furbelow A fringe or ruffle.
Furphy A portable water-container.
Gaberlunzie A wandering beggar.
Gardyloo! A warning shouted before throwing water from above.
Gastromancy Telling fortune from the rumblings of the stomach.
Gazump To buy something already promised to someone else.
Gobbledygook Nonsense, balderdash.
Gobemouche A highly gullible person.
Godwottery Nonsense, balderdash.
Gongoozle To stare at, kibitz.
Gonzo Far-out journalism.
Goombah An older friend who protects you.
Hemidemisemiquaver A musical timing of 1/64.
Hobbledehoy An awkward or ill-mannered young boy.
Hocus-pocus Deceitful sleight of hand.
Hoosegow A jail or prison.
Hootenanny A country or folk music get-together.
Jackanapes A rapscallion, hooligan.
Kerfuffle An uproar, mild scandal.
Klutz An awkward, stupid person.
La-di-da An interjection indicating that something is pretentious.
Lagopodous Like a rabbit’s foot.
Lickety-split As fast as possible.
Lickspittle A servile person, a toady.
Logorrhea Loquaciousness, talkativeness.
Lollygag To move slowly, fall behind.
Malarkey Nonsense, balderdash.
Maverick A loner, someone outside the box.
Mollycoddle To treat too leniently.
Mugwump An independent politician who does not follow any party.
Mumpsimus An outdated and unreasonable position on an issue.
Namby-pamby Weak, with no backbone.
Nincompoop A foolish person.
Oocephalus An egghead.
Ornery Mean, nasty, grumpy.
Pandiculation A full body stretch.
Panjandrum Someone who thinks himself high and mighty.
Pettifogger A person who tries to befuddle others with his speech.
Pratfall A fall on one’s rear.
Quean A disreputable woman.
Rambunctious Aggressive, hard to control.
Ranivorous Frog-eating
Rigmarole Nonsense, unnecessary complexity.
Shenanigan A prank, mischief.
Sialoquent Spitting while speaking.
Skedaddle To hurry somewhere.
Skullduggery No good, underhanded dealing.
Slangwhanger A loud abusive speaker or obnoxious writer.
Smellfungus A perpetual pessimist.
Snickersnee A long knife.
Snollygoster A person who can’t be trusted.
Snool A servile person.
Tatterdemalion A child in rags.
Troglodyte Someone or something that lives in a cave.
Turdiform Having the form of a lark.
Unremacadamized Having not been repaved with macadam.
Vomitory An exit or outlet.
Wabbit Exhausted, tired, worn out.
Widdershins In a contrary or counterclockwise direction.
Yahoo A rube, a country bumpkin.

Continue reading »]]> What is small, red and whispers?
A hoarse radish!

How do you fix a cracked pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!

What vegetable might you find in your basement?
Cellar-y!

What is green and goes to a summer camp?
A Brussels’ scout.

Why did the Tomato go out with a prune!
Because he couldn’t find a date!

How do you fix a broken tomato?
Tomato paste!

Why was the tomato blushing?
Because it saw the salad dressing.

Shopper: I’m looking for STEWED tomatoes.
Clerk: Try the salad BAR!

Continue reading »]]> This article appeared recently in an American magazine under the headline “Advice For Tourists”.
It was taken seriously by a lot of people… well Americans!
“The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as “goolies” in slang, so you
should for instance say “I’d love to come to the pub but I haven’t got any goolies.” “Quid” is the
modern word for what was once called a “shilling”-the equivalent of seventeen cents
American.
Underpants are called “wellies” and friends are called “tossers.” If you are fond of someone, you
should tell him he is a “great tosser” –he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should
hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling
and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits:
Ever since their Tory government whole-heartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large
midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a “wank.” As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do
not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologize and explain that you were having a wank – everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities:
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently
down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is
known as “cottaging.” Many of the boats (called “yer-i-nals”) are privately owned by the colleges,
but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public
yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so
it’s a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals.
That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food:
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure
available to man. Thanks to today’s robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine
out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for).
Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of
meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty’s seal, called the British Stamp of
Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won’t settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your
head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter
realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant’s
list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn’t, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes
grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia-try an Ely ’84 or Ripon ’88 for a
rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Paywhatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply
walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation:
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty’s Government. A taxi ride in London costs two
pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell “I
think not, you charlatan!”, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely
necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons’
requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are
pence”), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: “Please take me to the British
Library.” A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn’t go
to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does
he know you’re not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at
Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff;
once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. Don’t forget that buses
are called “prams” in England, and trains are called “bumbershoots” it’s a little confusing at first.
Motorcycles are called “lorries” and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the “off-license”.
It’s also very important to know that a “doctor” only means a Ph.D. in England, not a physician. If
you want a physician, you must ask for an “MP” (which stands for “master physician”).
For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to
get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel
for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or
on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century
by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement “Mind the
Gappe!” is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people
have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station,
merely follow the signs that say “Subway” and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can
catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that
you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the “shin” stands for
“shalom”). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you
make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want
to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite matters
considerably.

Continue reading »]]> An Englishman, an American, and a Sardarji were called upon to test a lie detector.
The Englishman said, T think I can empty 20 bottles of beer.’
BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.
‘OK,’ he said, ’10 bottles.’ And the machine was silent. , .
The American said, ‘I think I can eat 15 hamburgers.’
BUZZZZZ went the lie detector.
‘Alright, 8 hamburgers.’ And the machine was silent.
The Sardarji said, ‘I think …’
BUZZZZZ went the machine!

Continue reading »]]> Banta and Ram Lai were working on a roof, when Banta slipped and fell to the ground. Ram Lai leaned over and called out: ‘You dead or alive, Banta?’
‘Alive,’ moaned Banta.
‘You’re a liar. I don’t know whether to believe you or not,’ said Ram Lai.
‘Then I must be dead,’ said Banta, ‘because you wouldn’t dare call me a liar if I were alive.’

Continue reading »]]> OH GOD!
A disciple went to his Guru asking for tips to attain enlightenment. The Guru advised, ‘Take a mala (rosary) and go up into the Himalayas and meditate.’ The disciple went away.
Several months later, the Guru paid him a visit and asked, ‘How do you like it up here in the snows?’
‘Just fine,’ replied the disciple.
‘And what about the weather? Don’t you freeze?’
‘As long as I have my mala and my chillum (bowl full of tobacco), I don’t care how cold it is.’
T am glad to hear it. Can I also have a chillum for myself right now,’ asked the Guru, shivering with cold.
‘Why not!’ said the disciple. ‘Mala! Would you bring us two chillumsl’

Continue reading »]]> An elderly woman walks into her doctor’s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she
replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,
“Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth
control pills?”
The woman replies, “They help me sleep.”
The doctor thought some more and continued, “How can birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice every morning.”

Continue reading »]]> A Frenchman, a German and an Englishman are in the pub.
The Frenchman says, “Last night I poured Cognac all over my wife, licked it off and made love to
her for 3 hours. She rose a foot off of the bed”.
The German replies, “That’s nothing. Last night I smothered my wife with Sauerkraut, ate it all
off her, made love to her for 4 hours. She rose two feet off of the bed”.
The Englishman says with a smirk, “You lightweights, last night I got drunk, made love to my wife
for two minutes, then fell asleep. She hit the roof!”