Funny Jokes. The Best collection of extremely funny jokes.

Steve:  Hello.  Steve and Matt aren’t here right now but if…
Matt:  Steve, what are you doing?
Steve:  I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.
Matt:  But you left the last one — it’s my turn.
Steve:  No, I’m sure it’s my turn.
Matt:  No, you’re incorrect.  It’s definitely my turn.
Steve:  You fool.  I know it’s … wait … Matt … what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt:  Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.
—–
“Hello.  I’m David’s answering machine.  What are you?”
—–
“This is (#include phone.addr). We are not … excuse me a moment,
please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking)
Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.”
—–
“Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work? Hmmm.
Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s
not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……”
—–
(Annoying flute music in background)
Good day, Jim.  Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone.  This tape will self-destruct
in thirty seconds.
—–
In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music
<In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession.
At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get
back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>
—–
<Phone Rings>

Noisy pick-up of phone

Uh…<wisperingly> Hello?

Hi, I ‘m a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine.
If you give me your name and number I’ll..uh, I’ll post it on the ‘frige
where he’ll see it.  Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?
—–
My wife and I can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave
your name and number we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
—–
(phone rings)
(you answer)  Hello, this is <…> speaking.  I’d like a large pizza
with extra anchovies.
(other person)  What?
(you reply)  Oh, sorry, I must have a wrong number.
(hang up)
—–
“I’m home right now . . . I’m just screening my calls.  So just start talking
and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone.  Otherwise,
well, what can I say?
—–
“Hi, you have reached …. Please leave your name, phone number and a
message and if we like it we will return your call”.
—–
(woman taped off a “phone sex” service)

WOMAN : (seductively) Hi.  I’m Linda.  You know, it can be really lonely
when you’re a fashion model.  Sometimes I just have to …

YOU : (interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone..
(then ask for a message)
—–
“Speak, worm!” <beep>
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
—–
“You know what to do at the tone.” <beep>
—–
Hi!  John’s answering machine is broken.  This is his
refrigerator.  Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
—–
How do you leave a message on this thing?  I can’t understand
the instructions.  Hello.  Testing 1 2 3.  I wonder what happens
if I touch this… YOW!!
—–
This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I’ll think about returning your call.
—–
“Hello, this is Ron.  (pause)   Hello?   Hello!!?    Nah, just
kidding.  This is an answering machine. (etc.)”
127
—–
“Hello, this is Ron.  I’m not home right now, but I can take a
message.  Hang on a second while I get a pencil.”  (background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)  “OK, what would you like me
to tell me?”
—–
You know what I hate about answering machine messages?  They go
on and on, wasting your time.  I mean, all they really need to
say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.”  That’s why I’ve
decided to keep mine simple and short.  I pledge to you, my
caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long
answering machine message when you call me…